LAZY SUNDAY

  Sundays used to be my least favorite day. Nowadays they're probably my favorite. Although both Saturday and Sunday have some great qualities, Sunday is by far the laziest, coziest of the days. I am working at not ruining the day by thinking about the busy and stressful week ahead and instead just enjoying the day in front of me. Lots of times, I have my grandson Clayton on Saturday nights, so instead of sleeping in on Sundays like I used to, I am often awake pretty early, and don't always sleep well, knowing he is here and constantly waking up wondering if he's ok. As much as I used to love sleeping in on this lazy day, I do love waking up to his smiley face when I get the opportunity. I find myself feeling a lot like I used to with my daughter- I love every moment I have him but then after his parents pick him up I find myself wondering if I made the most of my time with him and really relished every moment. Sometimes when he's here, and throwing tantrums, as toddlers always will, I am tired and sometimes even a little stressed by the tantrums, and feel like maybe I'm not just letting myself enjoy all the moments I have with him. I will talk more about Clayton as there is a lot to say about my relationship with him. But the point of this post I guess is that I am working on trying to enjoy whatever moment I am in, instead of always looking to the future, thinking about dates or events that may be coming up that I am dreading or just worrying about life's every day little worries that come along. This has always been a challenge for me, as I have always analyzed every situation to death, have always worried about everything I can possibly find to worry about in any given moment. I suspect this will always be a challenge for me, no matter how hard I work at not allowing it to take over my life. There is so much going on in my life at any given moment that I sometimes feel like I will never give any part of my life the full attention I wish it could get. Just my business alone keeps me so busy and sometimes so stressed out that I am always trying to find a way to just get away from that stress, until I remember all the other "projects" or stresses in my life and then I have even more to worry about! You'd think I would try to make my life simpler huh? But no, I keep adding to it. I think somewhere deep inside, I need the constant stress and worry. It's all I've ever known and I am not sure I could really figure out how to deal with a life that was just mundane and ordinary. So on I go, adding more and more to my plate. Currently I am mom to my only biological child, Audra. She's 20 now, living on her own for the past year with her boyfriend and the father of her son, Clayton, my first and so far only, grandchild. Even though Audra's out of the house, I have realized just how much she still needs me. This does not make me unhappy at all, as I am all too happy to be there for her and still be a "mommy" of sorts to her :-)  However she is also very independent, very smart and capable and is making a nice life for herself. My step son Sean, who I raised in my previous marriage (he is my exhusband's son but we had custody of him) is 23 now and about to become a dad himself. I would love to be a grandma to this child also. Time will tell if that happens. I sure hope so.

     I am remarried as of 5 and a half years ago, to Jamie, who has five kids. Three of the kids still live with us (Jamie has full physical and legal custody) At the start of our marriage, all five of his kids, and my daughter Audra, were all living with us. So being down to three kids now seems so much easier and much more quiet! Being step mom to these kids, especially the three living with us currently, who were all pretty young when we got together, has been wonderful (and also awful, messy, hurtful at times, scary, irritating, and yes, also a gift) Being a step mom- full time- to kids living with you, is probably one of the most stressful things you can do in your life, ever. I'd be lying if I said I love every moment and dread them growing up, but at the same time, there have been some pretty awesome times and I do know this is what I was meant to do. It's no mistake that their dad and I got together, even after the pleads of my daughter for me to go meet him (she was friends with his daughter)  and me telling her over and over "are you crazy? He's got five kids!"  My whole life has been about going in the opposite direction I thought I'd go in and figuring out a few years down the road, exactly why my life took that direction. It's funny because at the time that I am making these choices I never thought I'd make, I feel in total control, only to figure out down the road that it happened because it was supposed to. It's not that I made the choice to put myself in that situation. It's that the universe put a vale over my eyes for a while, to all the awful things about making that choice, so that I could see only the good, and want to be there, and not run away! And allow me to slowly but surely get more and more enmeshed in that life, and all the good that comes with it, before the bad and ugly come out to show themselves. By then I am realizing why I made the choice, figuring out that it was meant to be, and knowing exactly why I am there (and reminding myself of those facts when I am angry or sad or depressed about something that's happening).
 
 There will be lots more in the future about being a step mom, as that is a huge part of my life. I think by the time I get really used to this life, they'll be grown and moved out of the house, and hopefully bringing those grandbabies by to visit! The ones living with us now are all girls, 11, 13 and 14. Yes, very difficult ages regardless, but especially when they're all girls! But I've been doing it almost six years, and I don't have a lot more than that left of them actually living here. I can do this!! :-)

  Now off to enjoy the sunshine, the beautiful day that April has chosen to send us. Talk soon!